Miaka's Sanctuary

Monday, August 01, 2005

BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES

Nothing expresses my feelings and my situation better than Kelly Clarkson's song, entitled 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'.

It's been stuck in my head for almost a week now, and I hope it's helping me to become a stronger person as the days go by.

seems like just yesterday
you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
your arms around me tight
everything felt so right
unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

no I can't breathe, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am
once again
i'm torn into pieces
can't deny it, can't pretend
just thought you were the one
broken up, deep inside
but you wont get to see the tears I cry
behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
opened up and let you in
you made me feel alright
for once in my life
now all that's left of me
is what I pretend to be
sewed together but so broken up inside

no I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am
once again
i'm torn into pieces
can't deny it, can't pretend
just thought you were the one
broken up, deep inside
but you wont get to see the tears I cry
behind these hazel eyes

swallow me then spit me out
for hated you I blame myself
seeing you, it kills me now
though I dont cry on the outside anymore
anymore

Here I am
once again
i'm torn into pieces
can't deny it, can't pretend
just thought you were the one
broken up, deep inside
but you wont get to see the tears I cry
behind these hazel eyes

Here I am
once again
i'm torn into pieces
can't deny it, can't pretend
just thought you were the one
broken up, deep inside
but you wont get to see the tears I cry
behind these hazel eyes

And with that, it is my duty to tell you that I shall not be updating this blog any longer.

Search for me, if you can. An alter ego awaits.

Miaka wrote in at [4:35 PM]

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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Walaupun taufan melanda,
Atau Alam terbahagi dua,
Demi asmara kita berdua,
Hatiku tetap setia

This particular chorus from the Hang Li Po musical truly touched me (and is one of the reasons why I remembered it better and far easier than the other songs). However, my heart has interpreted it to this extend:

Jikalau taufan melanda,
Atau Alam terbahagi dua,
Demi buku teks dan masa depan saya,
Kau pergi matilah saja

Yes, I've probably insulted the musical (what more the cast), but that's practically where my life was heading the past weekend, till today.

To the person I thought cared,

What you said to me tonight, and what you've done to me at the time I needed the most support, you used books as an excuse to run away. You're not qualified as a friend; not even a stranger. You've proven to me that you'd be the one pushing me out the window if I sat on the window sill of the topmost floor of any building. If you were on the Titanic and it was about to sink, while the crew members are trying their best to evacuate the children and women first, you'd shamelessly jump into one of the rescue boats head on.

I was willing to wait, because I promised. Instead of pulling out the sword that punctured my heart, you pushed it further in. Now I know, even if I were to wait for you, you're not worth the wait, and you won't ever consider waiting for me. I pity the next QUEEN OF YOUR HEART because if you both were ever caught in a battlefield, you'll use her as your protection. You'll pick her up to cover you from the arrows that head your way.

I hope you're happy - because you've shattered me to a million pieces. I thank you for all the false impressions you've given me to make me feel happy for who you were.

I hope I do not remain the shattered pieces of glass, but with the family and friends I currently have, I hope my shattered self would form back into one whole full piece of sharp glass, and I hope you live in regret for being the coward you are.

God, please wake me up from this horrible nightmare.

Miaka wrote in at [9:46 PM]

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Home-bound

Oh, how I've abandoned internet life for quite a period of time, and my poor, poor blog.. Either way, having me appear back online is some unofficial form of indication that I've recovered.

Truth be told, I've been staying home since Friday, and only went out at night, for short periods of time. As you can see, I failed to wake up this morning, and my sweet parents did not bother getting me up either. I've been in a state of lethargy almost the entire weekend and I really, really do not want a repetition of that.

Not that I want to make announcements, but I'd like a favour from everyone - please don't discuss personal weight issues with me, not one single bit. I'll only say this through my blog, because I don't want to be repeating myself, over and over again.

When I say 'personal' weight issues, it includes comments such as look fat-ter, look skinny, butt-less, bust-less, small-eyed, stretch marks here and there, and asking for tips on dieting, or how fattening the food that you are going to eat anyway is. Call me selfish, but I really don't want anyone else to suffer what I've gone through - what I would call, 'the two extremes' - I was terribly overweight at one point of life, but now it's the opposite. I know to a lot of people, weight gain is easy, but for people with a nice history of gastritis do not gain weight well, and has to be very watchful of what they eat and to what extend, or they'll get a certain violent reaction or war against the mind and the stomach.

This isn't a good time to be working on this - STPM is only a few months away, but I've ignored it long enough to come to this point. Let me just highlight that the STRESS factor helped me much into this condition, and now that I have stress and weight management to go side-by-side with my pressurising studies, it would help if one does not expect too much out of me. I'm doing my best to balance everything out now - I have too little entertainment in my life now, to be honest I rarely enjoy doing anything these days due to all the rushing through the form 6 syllabus and constantly worrying about not having enough time to cover everything. I can't bring myself to leisurely activities anymore due to this because after watching a movie or two, guilt would hit me and a voice will tell me, "Dumb ass, you should have been studying. Now, you're just going to be even more stupid than you were an hour ago." Things I enjoyed doing like baking brownies, flipping pancakes, trying out new recipes, going out for movies and sitting down, enjoying a drink or two late at night at a cafe or coffee house - these are the little things that remind me of life, but I've been missing it. One can never consume a whole sack of rice at one go, but one can consume a whole sack of rice if slowly consumed by portions.

The highlight of my weekend was the musical theatrical, "Puteri Hang Li Po". Though I wish not to spoil the contents since the last show will be tonight, those who have not seen it, you should go for tonight's show as opportunities as such does not come to Kuching often (we don't even own a theatre, for heaven's sake. This is performed in an indoor stadium!). The music is enchanting, and the dances are lively, and the actors and actresses are the finest ones you will ever encounter (they are a million times better than those you see in that little black box of yours that make a timely appearance almost every day of the week).

Puteri Hang Li Po tells us a story of the daughter of the Emperor of China, who wishes to forge friendship with the most successful empire at that time, Melaka. By exchange of gifts, of which wisdom and wealth were tested and fully satisfied, the Emperor of China felt that the tie would be strengthened and fully secured by sending his daughter, Li Po, to Melaka, to be made the wife of the Sultan of Melaka. Sadly, Li Po was in love with Admiral Ming You, and obeying the Emperor would mean parting with her lover. What happens then, I suggest either you go watch the performance, or wait till I have the cheek to spoil the ending for you. >:P

I'm thinking of attending tonight's show again, to catch them one last time. I simply love theatricals, and the next time I make my way to KL, I'm definitely stopping by Istana Budaya, for now I am truly certain of what kind of entertainment they promise to provide. (And yes, Ezel, MaX, it's not such a subtle hint afterall :D)

Ah, I'm going off now, getting a bit drowsy. See ya all in a bit

Miaka wrote in at [7:34 AM]

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Saturday, July 16, 2005

Wake-Up Call

What a way to spend a good Saturday morning with an extra Bio class! I woke up with enough time to make myself an egg sandwich to bring to school, have a bowl of cereal and also managed to make my sisters an egg wrap with sausage and cheese.

While discussing our Bio test papers (I humiliate myself with my results), stomachs were grumbling as there were loads of food brought by various people from the bio students of the upper sixth form. When it was break time, I couldn't help helping myself to the chocolate fudge, which was a sinful indulgence, and some coffee jelly while watching the school band practice in preperation for the big National Band Competition. They did a lot better in today's practice compared to the rehearsal on Thursday - they have my confidence in making the school proud. Go, SJS band!

As soon as we finished discussing our bio paper, the class of U6B rushed up to their classroom to start on their mission - that is to cheer-ify our classroom. Yes, we are very competitive and will not lose out to the other classes! We had a lot of fun - though originally we had the whole class participate, which later dragged on as more and more people left, leaving the five of us behind - Pn. Jo, Felicity, Harnesh, Ronnie and myself.

What we did... the camera will tell all, but do hold on to your horses! I somehow think it'll be more fun to leave the surprise till later - U6D and U6E have been secretive on their mission (even to the extend of locking up their classrooms!), so shall we wait till Monday? Hee hee, I really want to see the reactions of other teachers when they see our classroom. I was extremely happy with the classroom at the end of the day I literally couldn't take my eyes off it.

Of sugary donuts and pandan chiffon cake, I managed to make a grab for a fish burger on the way home from Sugarbun. They've opened a new bakery there, and I couldn't help noting the fact that Kuching is getting rather overpopulated with bakeries. To me, it's a crime not to have Gardenia bread/products here in the first place!

Mum left me out from the usual weekend trip down to the market. Nevertheless, I needed a nice warm shower and some bit of rest after all the work we did in school. Either way, she's coming home soon, and I'm sitting here at the computer, blogging my day away, while wondering if I can still grab hold of the 6th Harry Potter book while everyone else is grabbing theirs. >__> I seriously doubt it though.

Till next time! (which is, soon :D)

Miaka wrote in at [3:58 PM]

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Friday, July 15, 2005

Night to Remember

Being a formal dinner, when the ticket states that you are required to be present at the venue at seven would normally mean the dinner would start at seven. However, when you have rather honourable people officiating your event or dinner, things just won't go ahead without them.

Isn't it nice to make people wait for you, knowing that no matter what time you arrive, the food isn't going to go anywhere, and the public practically awaits your arrival before they can touch the food? How unethical of the ministers to be thinking selfishly of themselves while we chew on peanuts and a free flow of wine (which isn't good, by the way, I felt bad as I drank one whole glass and I was to drive myself home).

I was horribly put off to the idea of waiting for the minister to appear and escaped the formal event with my dearest for the sake of my sanity. I couldn't keep my stomach empty drinking on wine/tea/water and peanuts for the rest of the evening - and having gastritis, it REALLY wasn't a risk worth taking. So, I joined mum at Roadhouse Grill, ate grilled chicken and had a fantastic dessert - their Messy Sundae (which doesn't taste as great as the first time I tried it, sad to say, but was satisfying anyway). Today was Friday though, so darling couldn't try the meat-dishes (he opted for fish and chips, which was more towards the chips than the fish, sadly).

An 'After' picture, didn't think of taking a picture before digging into dessert!

Darling loved this sign - don't you think it's cute? XD (it was on the wall of the restaurant).

Thanks to the minister for wasting our time - I could have used the time I spent dressing up and waiting for him to study or rest, and spend time with my family instead, which was definitely more worth it. If he had just arrived on time and not make people wait for him, it would have been a night I wouldn't have so much to say about politicians and their sense of punctuality, or their awareness towards their responsibilities towards the feelings of the public.

I want to note that I visited Raye yesterday, and in the photo above (the one of me after eating the sundae) you'll spot the pair of earrings Raye made for me! I chose the beads and she assembled it together for me. I love them so much! Thanks a million Raye!

Well, I'm going to go watch some Naruto/Full Metal Alchemist before sleeping. The wine and chocolate won't let me rest just yet (still very hyped up).

Miaka wrote in at [10:35 PM]

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Thursday, July 14, 2005

I was thinking of scanning in my PA test papers to show you what desperation (even though we were given three hours to answer 5 LONG questions) can do to your handwriting. It undergoes metamorphosis, and mine went from loopy yet compact, to loose, wavy and illegible. Since my scanning program has decided to expire, I guess it'll never happen unless I go down to the computer shop to get it un-expired, which I'm just far too occupied and probably lazy to do anything about it.

The band gave us a sneak-peek of their performance for the National Band Competition, since they will be representing Sarawak in Penang at National level. Overall, I'm very impressed - the drum major, Ivor, has definitely more confidence at handling and doing mace work from the last practice I saw him. The formation was neatly done (as in, their dressing was in-line) and their music was well toned and tuned. However, I do feel that the momentum drops by half or more when it reaches the mid-part of the performance. Maybe it's just the compulsory need for traditional/slow songs to be included in the whole presentation (if I'm not mistakened it's part of the rules). Either way, the opening and closing had the right swing, so I'd say, go for it guys, make us proud! ^____^ (Brendan, if you are reading this, I want some photos!) Best of luck, you guys!

We also did a little bit of 'Mooting' for MUET in our class today. Overall I did not participate - I was just a member of the audience. What is Mooting, you might ask? Well, picture yourself involved in a court case, and that's just what it really is. Keeping to the real format of mooting, the use role-playing witnesses during the session is non-existent, but since we wanted the whole class to participate, we had witnesses alright. Our case was a car accident in the wee hours in the morning. It was funny, really, watching 'Mr. X' answer the questions shot at him. He gave innocent replies which made the whole picture seem like a quiet, but speechful comedy in contrast to Charlie Chaplin. It's like:

Opposing team: Where were you that night?
Mr. X: I was cooking.
Opposing team: Cooking?
Mr. X: Yeah. I'm not a driver, I'm a cook.
Opposing: Where were you that night, before the accident occured?
Mr. X: I was in the hotel!
Opposing: Hotel?
Mr. X: Yeah? I work there...
.
.
.

Opposing: So you recieved a phone call?
Mr. X: Yes, my wife, is in labour.
Opposing: So, you rushed to the hospital? How were you feeling?
Mr. X: Excited!
.
.
.

Opposing: But they said they saw you in a bar...
Mr. X: Yeah, I wanted to drink! You know, as a chef, I don't get to drink much. So on the journey to the hospital, I stopped by to get a drink. I was thirsty!
Opposing: ..and there was a waitress who said she served you an alcoholic drink!
Mr. X: No, I drank, but I ordered mineral water!
Opposing: and charged it to a credit card??!

Hee, I wished I had my video camera to record all that at that instant. Ping Ping was laughing so much!

Anyway, the next mooting session we would have will be on next week, and I'll be the defendant, partner in crime would be Ronnie (we'll be lawyers, in other words!).

I couldn't help feeling disappointed when Pn. Jo came in to our class for Biology, as she told us about the essay questions she marked and how horrible it was to have easily marked it since the essays and structured questions majority submitted were left blank or just not answered, beating around a small bush with one or two sentences. The worst part of it was, some of the questions were at form 5 level, which pretty much means she had set much easier questions this time round, and yet only two people in our class scored past the passing mark. Compared to my early morning mood, I felt like someone had punctured my balloon as I shrink to a feeling that literally drained my energy.

On the brighter side of life though, our classroom definitely looks more cheery. We've contributed things like fake flowers, tablecloths, stones, plants and all sorts to beautify and make the condition of the classroom more condusive for studying. :) Pn. Jo has our best interest at heart, and I couldn't be more grateful for that. Though, I wish sometimes that the class would be more enthusiastic and participate more actively so that life isn't similar to a monotone.

Eep, I'd better log off. Countdown to National Chemistry Test? One week. Studying = NIL.

Miaka wrote in at [1:02 PM]

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Friday, July 08, 2005

Happy Birthday Naomi!

Glee, so many birthday celebrations for so many people lately, and today belongs to Naomi! Happy 19th, don't let the exams bother you too much!

Ah exams, I consider them as good as over. Even though we have one more paper to go, and it being chemistry, I don't exactly have my hopes up for being able to pull my score any higher. The second paper was a pure disaster, as it was left blank (I'm serious), and hence, I have all the right to be skeptical about being able to pull myself all the way up to the passing mark by scoring in the objective paper.

If we were to think about it, there is no such thing as a safe place out there - not even your home. Things happen, and the last biggest event that rocked the nation was the tsunami-earthquake disaster. Just yesterday, however, several bombs went off almost simoultaneously in seven different areas of London injuring many, and there's bound to be fatalities that are not properly reported. Deemed a terrorist attack, I'm sure the nation is not going to let this one slip until they've found the people responsible for the unnecessary casualties. Sometimes hearing and watching these things happen, I begin to wonder what is really happening to this world, as what the voices in the winds tell us from places afar are just never those of happiness and joys of life. In the local papers, many people are getting robbed, raped, kidnapped, abused, involved in big accidents, drug smuggling and abusing, dangerous alcoholic beverage consumption... and the papers complete volume just increases day by day. Sometimes I wish to close my eyes and put myself in an eternal slumber, as it seems to be the only way to not witness or know of these things. I scare myself as I fear for many, be it petty, solvable problems or something of everyone's concern - to the extend that I find it hard to trust, and impossible to move away from it.

I know I want something better out of life - I want to live it, and I want to make a difference. Hardly is possible though, if I were to be the only one, and I am one (I am not afraid to admit) who loses will and hope easily when discouraged.

Nevertheless my role models are my parents, and how thankful I am to have such good parents who have done so much to guide me and help shape me to the individual I am today (and they are still continuing to do so). I, alone, must have been quite a handful for them to take care of - being the first child, I understand that I am not as fortunate as my younger two sisters to have better guidance while growing up (and I must say I hated being the experimented child), I feel so reluctant and such a burden to be talking to my parents about my own problems. The obvious ones are already putting enough burden besides the fact that the both of them are working and their work is quite demanding - gastritis, my studies, and stress.

I feel pathetic that I can't really cope with too much stress - I could knock myself out to headaches and spins. If I don't watch what I eat and eat when I feel hungry, and it could also involve the stress factor, I'll get a gastric attack. As for my studies, well, the major public exam, STPM, is just around the corner, like it or not, I will have to start preparing myself, now or never.

Till STPM is over, I shall be working hard to earn good grades, and I shall not forgive myself if I were to disappoint my parents. I hope friends understand if I tend to withdraw myself from activities, or selfish with my time. I really want to lift of some burden from my parent's shoulders - I have to learn ways to not get any more gastric attacks or headspins within this time period. I've been thinking a lot about the future lately, and I definitely want to use this chance to make sure that I do have one (and that I'm happy with it).

Here's to changing the world - for a better future (even though that sounds so cliche, I don't think there's any other phrase that can say it better).

Miaka wrote in at [1:12 PM]

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